I’m in my ninth year trying to finish a dissertation. This is unlike the other blog I started and abandoned. That one was meandering, this one has purpose. My purpose is to give myself a little pep talk because my ADHD shows up periodically as avoidance, shame, and despair. I also feel like disclosing so that other people with ADHD can feel empowered to be themselves and maybe finish their dissertations, too!
I recently had occasion to review my CliftonStrengths, and since I paid for all 34, I looked at the bottom 34th, and it reads:
DISCIPLINE
For those of you who aren’t familiar with CliftonStrengths, it doesn’t mean discipline is my greatest weakness. It means that discipline requires the most energy from me of all the other 33 strengths. For contrast, my top ten strengths are those that give me energy at the end of the day rather than taking it away.
So what about other strengths that might contribute to a completed dissertation? Like achiever, (#33) consistency, (#30) deliberative, (#32) responsibility, (#28) or focus? (#24) It looks like it’s gonna take a significant energy lift to get this thing done.
That’s when I got the idea for this blog. This is unlike the other blog I started and abandoned. That one was meandering, this one has purpose. My purpose is to give myself a little pep talk because my ADHD shows up periodically as avoidance, shame, and despair. I also feel like disclosing so that other people with ADHD can feel empowered to be themselves and maybe finish their dissertations, too!
Since we have AI now, I thought I’d outsource my thinking and get a sense of what Claude thought; What are the top ten CliftonStrengths for completing a history dissertation? Then I asked it what the chances are of someone completing a dissertation based on my CliftonStrengths profile.
74%
Not bad! And I have 3 of the top ten in my top ten. Check it out!
Learner (#20)
Analytical (#9)
Input (#10)
Intellection (#18)
Discipline (#34)
Focus (#24)
Achiever (#33)
Responsibility (#28)
Context (#15)
Communication (#7)
Unfortunately, “Discipline and Achiever — the two strengths most responsible for actually finishing — are ranked last and second-to-last.”
However, it still gave me a 74% chance of completing based on the profile alone. Then I added that I have a full-time job, a family, and that I started nine years ago. New calculation?
42%
I have struggled my whole life at things that seemed like they came easy to others, so staring at numbers like these, while vaguely depressing, are nothing new for me. Over time and continuous struggle, I have had to cultivate a self-renewing font of hope and optimism; without it, I would have long ago given up.
When I applied to Stanford, a colleague of mine wrote this, and it is as true then as it is now:
“While he may not be the most highly qualified candidate out of all of the applicants on file, he has the drive and motivation emblematic of Angela Lee Duckworth’s argument about the power of grit. His willingness to take academic and personal risks and his innate curiosity and creativity will make him a welcome addition to any program for which he is qualified.”
This evening, I managed to type out 250 words or so of a paragraph I liked after a long day of work. Day six of six planned writing days. It’s cause for celebration.
I also know that after this many years, my belief that I will be able to continue writing steadily on day seven, then day 8, and day 100, are going to be stiffly challenged. I won’t know what happened. I’ll stop texting my adviser, I’ll stop planning at the beginning of the week, I’ll stop exercising, I’ll start to feel more and more depressed, and I’ll start ducking emails. At least, that’s the pattern. If I could grant any wish, it would be to look back on this paragraph in triumph of beating these odds.
Belief is among my top ten CliftonStrengths, and according to Claude, it can be leveraged as a substitute for the drive to achieve. I have found a topic with purpose, so there is no reason to quit. I may fail, but I will never quit. And in the words of my colleague and friend, I will never “accept the status quo.”
Stay tuned…