I’m in my ninth year trying to finish a dissertation. This is unlike the other blog I started and abandoned. That one was meandering, this one has purpose. My purpose is to give myself a little pep talk because my ADHD shows up periodically as avoidance, shame, and despair. I also feel like disclosing so that other people with ADHD can feel empowered to be themselves and maybe finish their dissertations, too!
Last week I wrote 2,646 words, down from 4,116 the week before. I had planned to write more than the previous week, but I didn’t have a particularly accurate tracking method. However, I resurrected a spreadsheet I’d started last year and started putting my word counts in there.
The other reason I wrote less was that I moved every single session at least once, sometimes twice. I also wasn’t that “into” it. I felt distracted, and the thing I’d assigned myself was boring (summarizing paragraphs/chunks of writing, so that I can move paragraphs around and figure out where each of them belongs).
I’m not sure that total word count is a measure of quality or focus, just like having a six pack is not necessarily a measure of total strength. I’ve never had a six pack or completed a dissertation. Let’s see what happens quicker.
What’s working/still working:
I went to an all-day meditation practice on Sunday.
Thinking about how I’m going to feel if I don’t write (bad)
Texting my adviser at the beginning of every writing session (and knowing we are both going to be wondering what happened if I miss a day).
Staying at work until I finish my writing.
Numbering paragraphs on writing I did already and briefly summarizing it so that I can more easily see where each paragraph/idea needs to go/whether they fit together or not.
Getting some exercise. At least once a day. Today it was riding my bike to work and back and taking a Barre class.
Planning exercise and writing hours for the following week on Saturday or Sunday.
What stopped working:
Sending consistent weekly writing updates to my adviser. I sent one the first week, but not the second. The difference was that the first week I set aside time to write the update. If I leave the last writing session of the week, there’s little chance I’m going to return to it. I’m wondering if I can kill two birds with one stone by sending her this blog. It feels a bit long. Can’t hurt but to try. And I’m writing this reflection *before* my writing session.
8:30 a.m. writing sessions. This would be an amazing hour for writing sessions, but it’s not realistic for my lifestyle.
What’s not working:
Still don’t yet have a handle on how to get one chapter done. [In retrospect, I’m thinking that a chapter, like a lecture, should answer an essential question. I think I’ve got a couple of ideas now].
What I realized:
I realized I need a writing group and writing buddies. It’s complicated and exhausting to do the organizing, so I’m knocking on doors to see if I can get into an existing writing circle.
I got a cool list of books designed to help academics write that I can listen to on my way to and from work.
I’ve got another trove of writing I need to look at to see if there’s anything good in there.
I can ask for help. This blog post helped me realized I needed it.
As I read over some of these sentences, they are so dense, they feel more like paragraphs.
What I tried today:
I updated my spreadsheet with my word count for the past two weeks.
I went to bed early last night and woke up at 4:30 a.m. and meditated from 5-6 a.m. I’m going to try that again tonight.
Where I need to go:
Finish one chapter.
We have a writing coach at UO. Maybe I need to schedule a meeting.
Make a list of all the support I actually have and things I can do when I am getting stuck.